I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
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In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
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Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
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