I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
you made out with another girl for some wings
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize