when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
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So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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