You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
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He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
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You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
did i just pee glitter
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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