my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
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The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
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This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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