i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
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needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
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What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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