im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
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I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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