Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
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then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
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We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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