Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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