then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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