Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
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Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
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Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
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