I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
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He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
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I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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