he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
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Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
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Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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