Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
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theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
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Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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