i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
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I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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