if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
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I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
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I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
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