he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
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I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
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Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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