I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
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I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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