i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
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Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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