vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
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Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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