why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize