I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
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He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
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Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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