He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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