DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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