she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
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while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize