Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize