he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
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There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
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Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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