I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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