i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
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And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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