Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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