I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
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Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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