I think I won the penis lottery.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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