I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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