I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
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He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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