Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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