I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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