Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
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