One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
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Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
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What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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