it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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