Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
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I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
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All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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