it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
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she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
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A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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