Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
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He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
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The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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