I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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