I want to make a zoo with you.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
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Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
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It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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