You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
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i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
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Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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