I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
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There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
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Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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