Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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