I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
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My dream of liquor pitchers came true
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
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Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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