3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
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mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
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All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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