Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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